I knew I shouldn't have gone, but like a horrific car crash that you have to slow down and crane your neck to see, I just had to go. And well what can I say I was dead right. I've been a Transformers fan since I can remember, I grew up with the 1986 Transformers The Movie, still the original and best, and I left the cinema last night gutted, I felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to a beloved family pet and then fed it to a horny rhino, it was just well...wrong.

First of all, before I even get started on the storyline, the Transformers are characters in their own right and should never have to play the 'Cloverfield Monster Role' in their own movie. I paid good money to see Transformers in a film of the same name, only to be baffled as they appeared briefly between buildings, or as blurry shapes in the background of a horribly contrived and badly performed sit-com. There is something seriously wrong with a film about robots where more screen time is invested in an idiotic and decidedly unfunny pot scene than the relationship between Megatron and Starscream.

And as as for storyline, if there are hundreds, dare I say thousands of existing storylines and threads within the Transformers universe, why then do film-makers decide it would be better to just throw convention to the winds, effectively piss on the mythos and traditions that have come before and come up with something infinitely more idiotic. There is no need now nor has there ever been a need to draw exhaustive parallels between Star Wars and Transformers, not to be spoiling, but Megatron is not and should never be anybody's bitch.

Michael Bay you have a lot to answer for, purile storytelling, poor adolescent humour, and a military fetish thats just a little worrying, and most of all confusing a storyline with a subplot. When I left the movie theatre last night I declared i wanted to kick you in the face, and now having slept on it, I'd like to add 'with a steel-toed boot' to that.

Ah look, I'm getting annoyed writing this and the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day so thanks you for listening to me rant, I'm not saying don't see it, it may be two and a half hours long, but there's about 25 mins of pure robot coolness (not the racist, jar-jar binks twins though).